You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
