the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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