Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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