You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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