She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
