at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
