help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
