i wish starbucks made bloody marys
No stitches, just platelets and will power
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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