Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
