the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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