I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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