Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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