Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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