I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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