I will die if light touches me.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
