you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
