I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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