I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
