god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
