Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
