I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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