I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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