My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
