the condom got lost in my hair
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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