she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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