At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
