My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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