two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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