Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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