She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
