my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
