Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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