What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
