Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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