My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
