It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
