This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
