My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
