Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
