I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
