there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize