you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
