I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Randomize
