I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
