Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i came on her dog
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So much rum. So many feels.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
