I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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