This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Someone shit on the floor
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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