I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize