The maid of honor just puked.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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