True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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