never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
